“Our family is so much stronger now… you saved our marriage and our family. I wanted to give you a picture of our beautiful children… I know they are so grateful to you as well because you helped keep their parents together and happy. Our marriage has never been better. We’ll be celebrating out 11th anniversary soon and it’s all thanks to what you taught us.”
Susan M. Alvin, TX
The single best thing you can do for your children is provide them a stable, loving, respectful two-parent family in which to grow up.
If children are part of your relationship in any way (yours, mine and/or ours) it is extremely important that both adults be like-minded and in agreement about the most important part of parenting: creating maturity and respect. These character traits come only through a structure of rewards and discipline, and with a consistent correction of the unwanted behaviors without bias.
The best parent is the one who teaches the child whatever lesson that child needs to learn, in the moment they need to learn it, without regard to how they (the parent) feels.
To execute this strategy, it is more important that you see yourself as “the parent” rather than “his parent” or “her parent”. The “ownership” of whose kid it is is a big part of what creates bias.
Some couples need help creating that special environment where they can co-parent successfully. You want your children to grow up with the character skills you most value, the ones that will assist the to truly thrive, and you can be rid of the defiance, bad attitudes, immaturity and disrespect. When your kids have maturity and the right skills, they are much more likely to be successful adults.
“Maturity is the ability to manage frustration, or not getting your way, alone, and without acting out.” Scott McFall
At it’s core, parenting insists on never-ending acts of surrender; your children must be taught to surrender their control dramas, bad attitudes, and unwanted perspectives, and instead give you the respect and behavior that you require.
As parents, your number one most important job is to teach your children the lessons they need to learn, in the moment they need to learn them, and without any regard for your personal feelings about it. Whether you are tired, frazzled, busy, distracted, in pain, overwhelmed, when you signed up to have kids, you signed up to be a parent. And that means that you have to be constantly observant and watching for the opportunities to teach them what they need to learn.
” I had a complete quality of life improvement by improving my parenting skills – coming up with strategies to handle situations with my 2 children that worked from the very first session. Traditional therapy methods haven’t worked for me at all. My ability to be calm and focused has helped my work performance by 50%. I am happy!”
JT – Friendswood
There are teaching moments available to you every single day, multiple times per day. How much you take advantage of those teaching moments helps determine whether your children will be successful, responsible, functional adults. And please remember the job before you is to raise adults, not large children. We have lots of large children walking around the world in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc., who are functionally incompetent in their jobs and their relationships, and even with their own children because they were never taught how to be successful.
If “doing the best for your children” is a goal of yours, then believe that the very best thing you can do for your children is to raise them in a stable, respectful, loving, two-parent family. Preferably with the two parents who made them.
Do not be fooled by how many single-parent families there are in our current culture. Do not be manipulated by the current “conventional wisdom” which would have you believe that a single parent raising children is just as good as having both parents available full time. That is simply not the case and there is stacks of research to support how truly damaging that is. Creating a loving, calm home is a huge advantage for your children, and nothing beats it.
The three most common parenting issues are:
- The parents do not agree on either the rules of the house or what the punishment should be when those rules are violated.
- The consequences for bad behavior, bad grades, bad attitudes, bad judgments, bad decisions are not enough to stop the unwanted behavior. In other words, the crimes are bigger than the punishments.
- The punishments are not consistently given.
Before you start to implement any modifications in how you deal with your children, please make sure that these first three things are no longer an issue. If they are, any changes you make will probably not result in much improvement. This effort is well worth your time to do right.