1. DO make sure your words and actions have a point; that they go toward an outcome you want to create. If your words, actions or thoughts aren’t directly connected to the result you want, think of them as irrelevant.
2. DO realize “feelings” change and are unreliable for making decisions. Just because you have a feeling doesn’t mean everybody needs to know about it.
3. DON’T value being independent in your marriage – value becoming ‘intra-dependent’. That means get very good at being part of a TEAM, which is a different skill set than only considering yourself.
4. DO demonstrate the kind of relationship you want your children to have – they’re watching! You are the role models they will copy. Ask if you’d like their future spouse to treat them like you treat yours.
5. DO ‘cleave from your family of origin’. Your extended family is secondary now. You can’t be a good, loyal spouse when you can’t give up being a good, loyal child.
6. DON’T go to friends or your family for advice in your marriage – it is not enough that they support you. They need to support your marriage. And most don’t. “The No. 1 reason people fail in life is because they listen to their friends, family, and neighbors.” Napoleon Hill
7. DON’T stop dating each other. Make ‘couple time’ a priority. Don’t allow distance to grow. By the way, dates don’t include negative talk about money, kids or problems…remember?
8. DO take responsibility to control your anger, criticisms and judgmental attitudes. The Golden Rule is a good thing to keep in mind… treat others as you would want to be treated.
9. DO require an ‘off-limits’ space between kids and parents. Kids shouldn’t have 100% access to parents space, possessions or attention. Children are not supposed to be equal to adults in rank, authority, power or control.
10. DON’T keep dragging the past into your present. You can’t change the past, and everyone has mis-managed it. Focus only on what you want next, not what happened before.

Saving a marriage starts with getting back to basics – The structure of your relationship needs to change. That structure starts with leadership. Often when a marriage is on the rocks it’s due in large part to both spouses in competition for who’s “right” and who’s “in charge”. These competitions spark constant argument and debate, and often end up in divorce court simply because the two people are confused about the roles that tend to work best.

A team always has a leader. It’s the nature of most things to have leadership – someone who is ultimately responsible for the welfare of the group… whether it’s a CEO in a company, the doctor in an operating room, a teacher in a classroom, a general in an army, the alpha dog in the pack, or simply the president of the church social committee, someone is the leader virtually everywhere you look….except in marriages. For some odd reason, there, it seems people get distracted with a weak and ineffective “50-50” leadership (which never works) or often the wife gets control and becomes the de-facto leader because the husband just wants to avoid arguments. If the basic structure of a relationship is off, it makes everything more difficult. Continue Reading

This is the problem of the ages for most men, and of course, there is no easy answer. One thing that could be of help is to consider a perspective change. Society has convinced us that the more like women men are, the better. Be soft, show your emotions, break down if you need to….Rubbish! Women’s attraction strategy to men is based mostly on challenge. That is, after the challenge of getting him into marriage, then how much can she manipulate or control him after that is the new game afoot.

The man who can lovingly and calmly stand his ground, doing what he believes is in the best interest of the marriage without becoming stagnant waiting to get her approval or to see whether she likes it will be better off in the long run. Of course a good leader (and a good husband) must always seek his wife’s thoughts and opinions and understand his wife’s position. But understanding and agreeing are different things. His requirement as leader is that he always decide in favor of the best interest of the marriage or household…

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Help for marriage problems can come in many ways. The first step is you have to be receptive to doing things differently. Given that what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, it would be helpful to have an open mind, and be willing to take feedback that may not initially agree with or be similar to what you know now, or what you’ve been told.

Many people wonder, “will my marriage last?”. With first marriages failing at a staggering 60% rate, clearly the answer to that question is, “probably not” if you create and conduct your marriage like 60% of the other married people do. I think it’s time to look at throwing out a lot of the messages we’ve been given as a society; through movies, magazines and the media. It’s time to face facts and realize that being happy and successful in a committed relationship takes certain skills, understandings and CHOICES that most couples either won’t do or don’t know. Continue Reading